The devastation

I have had friends and family reaching out to me in the last few days.  To see if I am OKAY, to see if I am worried about a loved one in Puerto Rico, to see if there is anything they can do for me.

No, most of the family I am connected to is here.  In the states.  In my “hometown”.  I feel for the people there on a human level.  But no, most of my family is here.

Until the photos started streaming in and the videos started auto-playing in my feed. Until I saw photos of the town I was born in, the places my parents were raised, until I saw the truth in the devastation.  Until then, I could say “I am okay.”

The realization has hit me – places where I had memories of and places where my parent’s feet had touched the ground and places where I had giggled with joy as a child are no longer.  Places where I could go and feel closer to my parent’s are wrecked and ravaged by Hurricane Maria.

It is selfish as I have not lost a physical thing or a physical being as a result of the hurricane.  I have simply lost a memory that had real world connections.  But memories are all I have of my parents and of their time on this earth.  So I will wallow a minute in my selfishness but only a minute because we are needed now.

Please consider the many people who have lost concrete items like their homes, their livelihoods and potentially loved ones.  Make a donation through your desired charity or consider donating to these organizations:

http://unidosporpuertorico.com/

https://www.generosity.com/emergencies-fundraising/maria-irma-puerto-rico-real-time-recovery-fund

https://www.gofundme.com/puertoricohurricanerelief

 

 

 

 

My dream was too real

I have a love hate relationship with dreams about my parents. It’s always nice to “see” them, to “feel” them, to love them but I eventually wake up to the reality that they are in heaven.

Last night felt different, I felt real..raw.. deep..powerful inner sadness, like I’ve never felt before in my dreams. 
My sisters and I were in high school but it felt like a movie since most of the High Schoolers were from shows or movies I’ve watched, like the cast of Pretty Little Liars, Ashley Benson was my best friend in the dream.

My mom was suffering from Cancer and we had a strong relationship. We would correspond by email and phone, mainly we discussed how her day was while we were at school. 
We were informed of her subtle passing by a school counselor, I absolutely lost my mind. It was difficult to enter the home we all shared, to see her belongings scattered throughout the home. The experience was gut wrenching however I went back to school and let Flaca pack moms things because if I had done it I would have needed to be admitted to the hospital for depression it was just too much and the sadness took over my life. I didn’t want to live any longer if my parents who raised and loved me unconditionally couldn’t be with me. School was no better, I got the “I’m Sorry””thinking about you and your family” “keeping your family in my thoughts” talk, and of course those who were curious asked more questions. It felt wrong, I didn’t feel like myself but I woke up with the realization that it was all a dream. The thing that woke me up was her real anniversary date of death, November 21st. 
In reality I get sad at times but I don’t allow myself to stay in that state for long but in the dream there was no escape, it felt like it was the end of the world and what was the purpose of living- I’ve never felt like that before, it felt very much true and real. 
Why did I dream this?

My mind is like a squirrel sometimes

ah, so the main purpose this blog was started was for three sisters to share their own individual experience on how life went with our parents except I know for me I got in the way of myself and stopped blogging but I thought I would start again.

I love hearing stories about our parents because it’s like filling in the puzzle pieces that I’m missing. I have mentally made myself block out my childhood and I have a hard time remembering events in my life so these stories help fill the void.

The one thing I clearly remember is the love I have for my parents and how much they mean to me. I don’t go one day without thinking about them at least a million times 🙂 they mean the absolute world to me.

And with that I will leave you until next weekend.
xoxo,

Rubia

Guilt and Sadness…

It’s been 11 or so months since I’ve posted or even looked at this blog. I’m my mother’s daughter in many ways, including my battle with depression. I was already fragile when we started this blog last year and I thought I was ready to relive those moments before and following the death of two important people in our lives. I wasn’t. I fell further deeper into the rabbit hole of depression. I put on my depression shield with every burger and donut I stuffed into my mouth. Thirty pounds of depression shield later and I’m still struggling.  I’m doing better, but it’s a day to day thing.

I actually had a few really great days in a row last week. I didn’t feel like I was walking with my head in a fish bowl. I felt in control of my emotional reactions and even donned a genuine smile or two.  Then Thursday the 13th I woke up thinking about how Saturday the 15th was coming up (the anniversary our dad died) and (this is stupid) what I would say on my FB status that day.  I started thinking about what’s happened in my life over the last 13 years.

In no particular order here are all the things that immediately came to mind:
I was in foster care for 9 months (or so) with two different families
I got my second and third ear piercings
I got my nose pierced
I got two tattoos
I dyed part of my hair purple, blue and let that fade to green
I developed an eating disorder
I kicked that eating disorder’s ass a few years later
I traveled to Australia, Tahiti, New Zealand, Ireland (4 times), Puerto Rico (3 times), Canada, England, Mexico
I graduated from High School
I went to college
I dropped out of college
I reinstated in college
I then failed out of college
I started an associate’s degree and then I dropped out of that too
I eventually went to night school at Harvard to finish up my bachelor’s degree
I moved to Boston
In fact, I have moved a total of 8 times in the 6 yrs I have lived in the greater Boston area and a total of 14 (or 15) times in 13 years.
Lost my best friend/ mother to cancer
Said good bye to my other best friend, the family dog, Juliet
I walked in the Avon breast cancer walk
I was diagnosed with PCOS
I was diagnosed with Endometriosis
I had my first surgery (for the condition above)
I fell in love for the first time
I had my heart broken for the first time
I fell in like a few times before meeting the love of my life
I am now engaged to this person, we’ll call him X in this blog (and sometimes in real life)

So here’s where thinking about 13 years with out my dad made me spiral back into the darkness. This is a big secret, one I haven’t even told my sisters.  Are you ready for this? it’s a doozy. Here goes nothing….. I DON’T MISS HIM. See? I’m a terrible person, right? I mean, who doesn’t miss their father?!  I guess I miss the idea of a father, but I didn’t have a relationship that I would feel comfortable saying I miss. I wish I had the relationship my dad and sisters had, but I didn’t. We fought a lot, and something it got physical. I openly and aggressively opposed him and most of the time for no good reason. Yet, I craved his praise and recognition. But we didn’t have anything in common: I didn’t like fishing, I didn’t like cars, I didn’t get his jokes, and, generally speaking, I was usually on his bad side so I didn’t get a lot of I-love-yous or hugs. The only thing that I did that seemed to please him was my academic achievements.  Although, that became expected of me instead and I rarely received the praise I so desperately desired.  The weeks before he died we fought, or rather I fought with him and he attempted to yell at me through his impaired speech (it’s possible he had mini-strokes in his sleep that affected his speech and motor skills). I said horrible things like, “I wish you would hurry up and die,” and, “I hate you.”

On my 15th birthday I came home to an empty house because he was admitted back into the hospital for a blood transfusion and as far as I remember, no one contacted me to tell me. The next day was supposed to be my Quinceanera at the local Roman Catholic Church. Neither of my parents were came.  I’ve never felt less important than I did that day. Selfish I know. It’s embarrassing to think of that now. Others are quick to remind me that I was only 15. That’s how 15 yr olds think/ act. Well not every 15 yr old was raised by my parents and that was certainly not acceptable behavior.  I was angry at him. I  resented him.  Sometimes, I did hate him.  I carry that guilt in my heart and it’s heavy, and did I mention I’m 30lbs heavier than I was last year? That’s not muscle weight. That guilt is hard to carry. But the worst part about losing my dad at that time is that I never got a chance to redeem myself.  Our relationship never got to come full circle.

I guess part of me understands that he pushed me like he did to make me a better person, a hard worker, and to not take things for granted, but it doesn’t change how I felt;  unloved at times and overlooked. I’m 28 yrs old now and I still crave that approval. I still miss the strong guidance his presence had in our lives. I miss his essence. I grieve for a relationship I never got.

I  make no promises about my consistency on this blog. I’ll do what I can. I hope you can understand that.

Flinche, over and out.

</3 broken hearted

Each year I feel like I’m grieving a little more and a little harder than the year before. Our Dad passed away 13 years ago from Melanoma Cancer. 13 years, That is a lot of growing up and special moments that he doesn’t get to experience right here with us. I know he’s up above watching but there’s a difference between watching and experiencing those emotions first hand. He’s not one to be emotional but I am sure seeing his two beautiful granddaughters being brought into this world would cause tears. I can only imagine that my love for my nieces would feel ten times more for a grandparent… But he was taken too soon and cannot experience it first hand.

It’s like me and Christmas movies… I watch them because they bring me so much joy and help get me out of the rotten mood I am in but if I was physically present my emotions would be 10x more (at least I hope).

This was year was the worst, I woke up in tears because my heart felt empty without him… I cried myself to sleep the night before and cried all morning long until Ben got me out of bed and dressed to start our day but I cried in the shower and cried getting ready, I was in no mood to see anyone but we did.

However it was only a temporary distraction of the truth, I miss my dad, every single second of every single day!

An eggroll to share Dad!

El sueño de la boda

I have never dreamt about my wedding day nor am I that cliché girl that everyone speaks of… You know the “little girls always dream of their wedding day” I was never one of those girls however when I did think about my wedding I always pictured my parents being present for it.

We have been engaged for two going on three years and we have now begun the planning process. We found the perfect little chapel to get married in and now I need to begin the serious dress shopping and begin bridal boot camp! It sounds dumb since we have been together for so long and to now think of my health and fitness but I want to start my marriage on a healthy note.

I am very lucky to have two supporting sisters who always look out for my best interest and that I am not alone with missing our parent(s) on the big day. I had the choice of either walking down the isle by myself or ask someone to walk me to replace that empty spot but the one option I never considered were my sisters until it found out how important it was to my older sister Flaca. I felt honored that she opened up to me and expressed that it would make her day to walk me down the isle. Although I act my title of being the youngest, the baby of the family and we all may not see eye to eye, my sisters are my rock and will always be there for me. I am blessed to have them in my life.

Dreading the nights

I have terrible night anxieties about death and dying.

I sometimes wonder if my parents were alive, if I would find the idea so fucking terrifying.

Sometimes when I’m having an attack, I beg that they come show themselves. To soothe me. But nothing happens.

I don’t know if it’s because my spiritual wall is kind of crumbly and crude or if it’s because there isn’t anyone listening.

Father’s Day…

I can think of several Mother’s Day memories but not one of my father on Father’s Day and that really hurts. He was the most important person in my life and I valued his thoughts, his beliefs and his goals for us as his daughters. He had a huge impact on me but yet my memories are limited. I wish we had family videos because I would be that person out of the movies who on sad or rainy days would want to put in the VHS to recap those memories. I do not even have photos to be able to go through. I wish my mind would work like a movie and rewind to the good memories and fast forward the loss we endured because as strong as I tried to appear the weaker I really was.

If I could be granted one wish I would want one hour with him to feel him embrace me and tell me he’s okay and he’s much better where he is and that he believes in all of us. If only wishes came true 😦

Cabo San Lucas

We (fiancé and I) booked a vacation for a week in Cabo San Lucas at an all inclusive (adults only) resort. The resort is Amazing however I’ve seen a lot of Spanish families vacationing and it makes me think of my mom. If my mom were here would she just love it or would she want to help the workers by clearing our dishes at each meal. I imagine her crying out of joy upon first view of where we would stay. If only my mom was still alive to be able to treat her to a trip like this. If only stays in my mind a lot during this journey … Missing my momma

How young is too young to make life changing choices?

My sisters and I recently had similar blogs… Not premeditated which was even more interesting!blogged and wasn’t premeditated! This week I want to further explain the mindset I am in at this time of my life. I mentioned that I have two options this year that I can do. I can A. Life my life to the fullest and pretend that C is not in my vocabulary or B. I can do something about it.

Let’s say I chose B. It’s not a simple process nor is it something to take lightly. If I decided to get the genetic testing I have to prepare myself for the results. Will you be happy knowing you have the genetic mutation, or if you don’t? What if the results are inconclusive, meaning the exact gene mutation wasn’t detected but something else was, can the doctors look into it more? Do you ask your other family members to take the test to see if the inconclusive results come up with them? What do you do with the results? Do you get a mammogram done? What kind of mammogram do you get? Will something show up in the mammogram? What if nothing shows? What do you do next? Do you get another mammogram done a year later? Do you wait or do you get the double mastectomy? What will the recovery process be? Do I do this before having kids? Should I wait until after I have kids? This isn’t a test you can get and decide to toss the results out, it will be in the back of your mind and weighing on you. You then have to consider your family. If one family member doesn’t wish to know do you keep it from them? Do you tell your other family members except for the one member? Do you just keep it to yourself?

Now if I chose A, will I truly be satisfied and remove “C” out of my vocabulary? Can I live my life without fear?